=><=
(set: $Literalist to 0)
(set: $Sherlock to 0)
(set: $Clarifier to 0)
(set: $Closer to 0)
''It's not you.
It’s them.''
A scientifically questionable test of human misunderstanding.
Tired of being told you overthink everything?
Or you think about nothing?
Good news. We have found someone to blame.
Whether it's your childhood, your attachment issues, or the suspicious way your partner said “nothing”, there's always a perfectly unreasonable explanation for your perfectly reasonable reactions.
Through an ordinary conversation, discover just how much meaning you can assign to absolutely nothing.
Because why communicate when you can interpret?
-> [[Across The Table]] <-=><=
(set: $Literalist to $Literalist + 2)
Sam looks outside.
Pulls the elastic from the wrist.
Winds it once around two fingers.
Silence.
''17:52''
The waiter brings the coffees.
- Everything alright?
- Yes, thank you.
The waiter leaves.
Alex turns the phone face up.
Looks.
Turns it back over.
Silence.
Sam stirs the coffee.
The elastic goes back around the wrist.
- Are you done?
[[- With my coffee?]]
[[- With us?]]
[[- With this conversation?]]=><=
(set: $Closer to $Closer + 2)
Silence.
''17:52''
The waiter brings the coffees.
- Everything alright?
- Yes, thank you.
The waiter leaves.
The phone vibrates once.
Alex leaves it face down.
Their coffees sit untouched.
Silence.
- Are you done?
[[- With my coffee?]]
[[- With us?]]
[[- With this conversation?]] =><=
(set: $Clarifier to $Clarifier + 2)
''17:52''
Sam looks at Alex.
The waiter brings the coffees.
- Everything alright?
- Yes, thank you.
The waiter leaves.
The phone vibrates once.
Alex’s hand moves toward it.
Stops.
Sam looks back at Alex.
- Why do you always ask me that?
[[- Because I know you.]]
[[- Because you don’t sound okay.]]
[[- Sorry. Forget it.]] =><=
(set: $Literalist to $Literalist + 1)
Sam looks at the cup.
- Are you?
Alex looks down.
There is still some coffee left.
The waiter approaches.
- Anything else?
- Just the bill, please.
''18:03''
The bill is placed between them.
Alex reaches for it.
- I’ve got it.
- It’s fine.
Alex pays.
Alex pockets the phone.
Sam looks at Alex.
- Are we good?
[[- Yeah.]]
[[- With what?]]
[[- Are we?]]=><=
(set: $Sherlock to $Sherlock + 2)
Sam looks at Alex.
- You went straight there.
- I asked you a question.
- So did I.
The waiter approaches.
- Anything else?
- Just the bill, please.
''18:03''
The bill is placed between them.
Alex reaches for it.
- I’ve got it.
- It’s fine.
Alex pays.
Alex pockets the phone.
Sam looks at Alex.
- Are we good?
[[- Yeah.]]
[[- With what?]]
[[- Are we?]]=><=
(set: $Clarifier to $Clarifier + 2)
Sam looks at Alex.
- You tell me.
Silence.
Alex’s hand closes around the phone.
Lets go.
The waiter approaches.
- Anything else?
- Just the bill, please.
''18:03''
The bill is placed between them.
Alex reaches for it.
- I’ve got it.
- It’s fine.
Alex pays.
Alex pockets the phone.
Sam looks at Alex.
- Are we good?
[[- Yeah.]]
[[- With what?]]
[[- Are we?]]=><=
(set: $Sherlock to $Sherlock + 2)
Sam looks at Alex.
- Do you?
Silence.
- Are you done?
[[- With my coffee?]]
[[- With us?]]
[[- With this conversation?]] =><=
(set: $Sherlock to $Sherlock + 2)
- What does okay sound like?
Alex doesn’t answer.
Sam takes a sip.
The phone vibrates again.
Alex turns it over.
Looks.
Locks the screen.
- Are you done?
[[- With my coffee?]]
[[- With us?]]
[[- With this conversation?]] =><=
(set: $Closer to $Closer + 2)
Sam turns toward the window.
- That was quick.
Silence.
- Are you done?
[[- With my coffee?]]
[[- With us?]]
[[- With this conversation?]] =><=
(set: $Literalist to $Literalist + 1)
(set: $Closer to $Closer + 1)
Sam nods.
Puts on the coat.
Alex does the same.
''18:07''
They stand.
Neither of them moves.
- You don’t have to come with me.
The phone vibrates in Alex's pocket.
[[- I know.]]
[[- Do you want me to?]]
[[Leaves]]
[[Doesn't answer.]]=><=
(set: $Clarifier to $Clarifier + 2)
Sam looks at Alex.
- Never mind.
Sam puts on the coat.
Alex does the same.
''18:07''
They stand.
Neither moves.
- You don’t have to come with me.
The phone vibrates in Alex's pocket.
[[Doesn't answer.]]
[[- I know.]]
[[- Do you want me to?]]
[[Leaves]]=><=
(set: $Sherlock to $Sherlock + 2)
Sam looks at Alex.
- I asked you.
Sam puts on the coat.
Alex does the same.
''18:07''
They stand.
Neither of them moves.
- You don’t have to come with me.
The phone vibrates in Alex's pocket.
[[Doesn't answer.]]
[[- I know.]]
[[- Do you want me to?]]
[[Leaves]]''A highly unscientific assessment of your interpretative habits.''
(if: $Literalist > $Sherlock and $Literalist > $Clarifier and $Literalist > $Closer)[
## THE LITERALIST
Right. So you hear words and, for some reason, you just believe them.
Honestly, clinically speaking, this is either emotional stability or an absolutely heroic amount of faith in literal language.
You don’t analyse pauses, tone, eye contact or the suspiciously specific way someone put their phone face down.
You heard the sentence. You processed the sentence. You moved on with your life.
Our professional assessment is that you’re either extremely well-adjusted or you walked straight over the emotional landmine because nobody technically told you it was there.
Fair enough.
We’re not digging into it.
]
(else-if: $Sherlock > $Literalist and $Sherlock > $Clarifier and $Sherlock > $Closer)[
## THE WANNA BE SHERLOCK
You don’t just listen to what people say. That would be way too easy.
Was daddy emotionally unavailable, or do you just need to win arguments nobody else knew they were having?
Maybe everything is a competition. Including other people’s thoughts.
Clinically speaking, you might be highly perceptive.
Or you might have developed some serious trust issues.
Honestly, who could blame you in the world we live in.
Our experts, a questionable scoring system and several deeply unnecessary assumptions, found strong evidence that you know what people mean before they’ve even decided what they mean.
Keep going.
Trust no one.
]
(else-if: $Clarifier > $Literalist and $Clarifier > $Sherlock and $Clarifier > $Closer)[
## THE CLARIFIER
Oh, you need an answer. An actual one. Right now?
Someone says “I’m fine” and instead of believing them or writing a twelve-page theory about it, you ask: “Are you sure?”
Cute. Healthy, even.
Until “What do you mean?” turns into a full-blown interrogation about something they might have explained in their own time.
Maybe you value clear communication.
Or maybe you’re just a proud child of the on-demand generation: feelings, intentions, closure — preferably delivered immediately.
Clinically speaking, you might have excellent communication skills.
Or a complete inability to let absolutely anything remain unresolved.
Our experts, a questionable scoring system and an unhealthy need for closure, found strong evidence that you will keep asking until someone says what they mean, changes the subject, or leaves.
At least you know why your partner left you.
]
(else-if: $Closer > $Literalist and $Closer > $Sherlock and $Closer > $Clarifier)[
## THE CLOSER
You don’t need closure. You just need it closed.
You find ways of making sure this conversation does not become another conversation.
Maybe you know when enough is enough.
Or maybe the second communication requires a follow-up question, you mentally hit “close tab.”
Clinically speaking, you might have great boundaries.
Or you might have discovered that unresolved problems are significantly easier to manage when nobody mentions them again.
Our experts, a questionable scoring system and several conversations left on read, found strong evidence that you would rather end the exchange than find out where it was going.
Problem solved.
]
(else:)[
## THE UNCLASSIFIABLE
You know people LOVE putting other people in boxes, so honestly, why are you making this so hard for our experts?
Maybe you strategically dropped breadcrumbs in every direction so nobody could pin you down.
Or maybe you just changed your mind four times in one conversation and somehow that’s everyone else’s communication problem.
Pick a lane. For society’s labels’ sake.
Our experts, a questionable scoring system and a frankly embarrassing amount of confidence, were unable to classify you.
Or maybe you’re just human.
Oops.
We apologise for the inconvenience.
]=><=
(set: $Closer to $Closer + 1)
Sam waits.
[[See your result->YOUR RESULT]]=><=
(set: $Literalist to $Literalist + 1)
(set: $Closer to $Closer + 1)
Sam nods.
[[See your result->YOUR RESULT]]=><=
(set: $Clarifier to $Clarifier + 1)
(set: $Sherlock to $Sherlock + 2)
Sam looks at Alex.
- Do you?
[[See your result->YOUR RESULT]]=><=
(set: $Literalist to $Literalist + 1)
(set: $Closer to $Closer + 1)
[[See your result->YOUR RESULT]]=><=
''17:46''
They sit at their usual table.
The waiter approaches.
- The usual?
- Yes, thank you.
The waiter leaves.
Alex checks the phone.
No notifications.
Alex turns it face down.
One finger remains on it.
Silence.
- So... how are you?
- I’m okay.
[[- Okay.]]
[[- Alright...]]
[[- Are you sure?]]